Down to memory lane

Long long ago, ..
I was so naive back then, I didnt know whats internet, I didnt know how internet would change my life for a lifetime.

It was so crazy when i looked back at how naive I was in the past.

I met so many interesting things. I did a lot on internet, first time talking to people online was the first thing that changed my life 360 degree !!

First time talking to them really got my English changed for the better, I had the nerve to talk to any english speaking people online because it was a great deal of challenge talking to them since they didnt know any malay at all. AT ALL !!! But my english got improve later on.

Then I met mygamma, that was when I got my first cheap HUAWEI 3G handphone, backthen it was a craze. Since it was a flip cover handphone, people were like OMG ~~~ a flip cover handphone.

                                                                LOL

Anyways, I met with lots of LOCAL online girls, joined groups, talked and laughed with them. Luckily I didnt get myself into danger like talking to wrong people or got influenced behaviourically (not a word i know so fuck off !! )

Then I met si AYOY, then i met si BUBBLE, and later after that, i met si RUBEE. And until now , the only LOCAL online babe that I still in touch with is si RUBEE. Back then she was still a kid, aged around 16 somewhere that range. ANYWAYS, we talked, chatted, and slowly get into relationship. THen at one time, I left her cos I was like fucking busy with my exam and she didnt know that she was the cause of me failing this one SUBJECT cos I was like fucking chatting with her all night and I didnt read a single paper.

                                                             MY FAULT

ANYWAYS, at the time I left her, I did tell her that i will be like going back to her again after the exam finished, and to which I really did, not until I saw her status, it was like:

OMG... im nothing, leave me alone.... huhuhuhuhu

And I was like the fuckkkkkk.

SO being so childish and indecisive BACK THEN, I left her just like that. It wasnt my fault ehhehehe

Soooooo we still in touch back then and she told me she would wait for me and blah blah blah and even though I acted like I dont care but in fact I really fucking CARE. I told people around that shes my gf blah blah blah and people were fucking conviced !!!

And one time, I passed my A level, then my UBD, then I joined the Army, at one time:

I realized she told me that she has a facebook and she wont show to me cos she was "concerned" I would go all jealous when I see that picture (when she said jealous, I knew she was trying to hide some fucking truth) and I said "No prob" then she showed me her facebook, accepted my request and BOOOM !!

                                               A LIFE TIME TURN OVER

It was like a mortar attack, bombarded straight at me.
It was like Artillery Commander ordered a direct order to hit a million missiles straight on me.
It was like I was tied to a three, and a line of soldier aiming their loaded and readied M16A2, and they are about to shot me after the commander FCO.
It was like I was doing my BFT and I got struck by lighting rapidly.

                         IT WAS FUCKING HEARTBREAKING  MOMENT BACK THEN

All the memories, all these while, all the promises, so many fucking times, all this time..

My dream, all CRUSHED DOWN, CRUMBLED BY THE LIGHTNING STRIKE OF JEALOUSY

I was told that this guy who happened to be the guy she is with UNTIL now, proposed her when si RUBEE gave him so councelling.

                                                            AND I WAS LIKE WTF?

Well .. its kinda sad lah..

Not later that moment when I realized her with the guy, she said to me "you are just a fantasy guy to me. Leave me alone. I want to forget you !!"

She told me she was confused when I talked to her since I hadnt talked to her in quite a long while.

Blah blah blah.

when suddenly

                                      20th JULY 2012 HELI CRASH, 12 died, 2 survivor

I WAS one of the survivor.
I WASNT happy i survived.
Why cant it be my other skots yg survived.


                                                        WHY FUCKING ME????

                         WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE AGAIN IN THIS CRUEL WORLD TO SEE HER WITH                                                      THAT FUCKING MAN AGAIN !!!!

                                   AM I FUCKING NOT ENOUGH WORTHY TO DIE !!!

                                                    WHYY ???????????????????????


Its not that I dont want to live.. I am happy to live. I was happy because I got into the accident so that I wouldnt see her again with me and that she would forget me. At another side of my life, I would think again about my family. Who is gonna support them.

                                                          SO I WAS CONFUSED.

                                                            TO LIVE OR TO DIE.

That was when the unforgetting moment I pushed myself up and that did change everything.

I pushed myself up to change history...

===============================

Here I am..

Now shes obsessed with her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend has been helping her eversince.

From the start si RUBEE being a student in Lambak Kiri and until she got the in BSP, it was si BOYFRIEND punya effort.

He was always there when she needed the fucking help at most.

He would go all the fuck from KB just to see her.

He would see her when she didnt reply her msg.

He was always there with her family.

THE PRESENCE that changed her rusty heart gradually...


So comparred to a JACKASS who did nothing to her, I am just an OUT SIDER

NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




SO that is why, I made to this point that...

Me and Her is just going to be a simple relationship,

as a MERE FRIEND.

I did tell her back then that she will be my friend and she was crying all over but girls tears only last a few days.


ANYWAYS,.. latest update is that:

She flooded her instagram photo with her pic with him
She flooded her facebook status with the so jiwang status about him.
She has his pic on her hp despite what he did to her.


BASICALLY, Im just a mere friend and that I made a conclusion that I wont stay in touch with her macam dulu lahh...

Its gonna be like kadang2..

I used to worry about her so much that I would sacrifice my fucking seconds of my life checking on her FB status,

what do i get?

FUCKING NOTHING !


BUh bye.

THanks anyways for reading my FLAMING RASENGAN OF TEXT in this dusty muddy blog.

Been a while updating my blog. Now that its holiday, I got the time.


buh bye fuckers.

Finally A WEEK OF HOLIDAYYY !!!!!

To Keep it simple, below is a timeline showing how and what did I do to spend my holiday:

8th December: 1st HOLIDAY !! Spend the whole day going out with the girls, Rubee and Dayat and yeah she told me she wont be going anywhere without dayat around hahaha anyways just a bit of fun having our lunch in Escapade Sushi, Times Square then we went out to TImes Square Arcade, where I hit the car game and they hit the K-Box. It was really fun and boring at the same time cos we didnt do much talking and that really sucks. And oh the night prior the 8th of December, we went out cinemating hahaha Hunger games 2 is really awesome.

9th December: 2nd HOLIDAY !! It was fun. It started out when I asked my friend, Si anis to go out with me to go and play archery. I was there at around 1130H right, the H-hour was at 1230H.. so what I did whilst waiting was i went to Matadoe cafe at Airport Mall and surprisingly, the customer service was really AWESOME. the FOOD was AWESOME (though tis expensive) and the ENVIRONMENT was really RELAXING. Then I happened to meet si NOOR DEE by chance hahahahaha he happened to pass by the matadoe and he happened to stumble upon me. So what I did was I called him in, and told him to order anything and its on ME HAHAHAHA that is soooo me.

PIC 1: Org perasan kn jadi jason mrazz ahahahhaa

 PIC 2: CHOCOLIICOUSSS XDDDD

 MATADOE CAFE AIRPORT MALL !!!! AWESOME PLACE but a bit pricey, due to the quality.

After that, we met up with ANIS and we had lunch in KFC !! fun fun fun

After that again, we went to 2nd floor. sadly archery was closed so we went to bowling game.I was new so I didnt know the prosedure. It was simple actually:

-Go to counter and write down our names. One game was like $7.00. A set of game consists of 10 rounds. So basically we all three had our turn equally.

-Go to shoes counter where we get out shoes. Mine was size 10. We basically need to wear the bowling shoes. 

-Pick our bowls from the rack LOL and we thought the balls would appear from nowhere and we were wrong.

-Go to our respective station and there you go. BOWLING time !!

What interested was I happened to realize the guy who was teaching us the basic of bowling was actually FAIRUZ DAD HAHAHAHAHAHA nice guy.

Then ANis went home and Dee and I went to arcade playing CAR GAME. I lost in both rounds but I nearly WON AHAHAHHA its alright. 

The reason why I did all these, doing something new was that I really want to forget her. Getting myself entertained with all of these childish stuff is the only distraction that I could do..

I was blessed having good friends all around me..

What should i do??

it has been awhile since i last updated my  blog..so many thinga going on, good and bad.. yeahh there is just so many.

I still am with my besfren, ruby and yeah shes stil my bestie. Shes currently obsessed with her boyfren ahahaha though her bf is a fucking asshole. lau bf nya buat catu lg rh si ruby, besumpah th ku ni, nda lagi ia idup tu leh ku!!!

and i was like a fucking waiting for the chance to get her back again. after seing pictures of them two flashing up in her instagram, i knew i need to step back and get the fuck away from them. 

Its a waste of time waiting.

im curently hanging out with the girls and yeah its kinda awkward lol 

Tis been 3 months in battalion and i really  learnt and experienced a lot. I did almost everything.

Been given a lot of ED yeah 

Things are getting mixed up !

So alhamdulillah, the accident was over, the families of the fallen had settled down, and they are now able to comfort themselves better despite the fact that today's the first of Hari Raya Aidil Fitri!

My usual habit is to get up and get on her facebook account. Yeh my Ex's facebook account and browsed her pictures with her boyfriend and read up the description in every pictures and also the date. I realized that they have been together for more than a year, yeah that's cool. Another thing is that I have the ability to see the level of intimacy of a person to his/ her loved ones so I saw a lot of close intimation, passion, love, security and trust revolving around this lovebird.

I feel bad.

Because I've known her virtually and still liking her like crazy, but shit happened, and she hung up with this guy and eventhough she hesitated at first, out of confusion, she accepted him as her boyfriend and good things happen yo.

I kinda jealous to see she is getting close to him but wise men say," what's gonna be has got to be".

That's why.

That is the reason why I left her, leaving her or should i say giving her that golden time, that golden opportunity with this guy.. how should i describe this guy? Any woman's dream come true yo; looks, fairness, good smile, style, charisma, you said it, he got the ingredients to make "any" picture looked good.

And how should I describe her? Mentally tough, physically weak lol but in terms of overt appearance, she's really pretty and cute, and she has nice caring and warm personality. Well that is how I see people and stuffs. Im weird, yeh I should have taken psychology hahaha

When these two are combined together,  that would create a strong aura that would make people "wanting" to see more of these lovebird.

 I feel sad.

Because I didnt have that strength, upperhand and charisma to match this man; who yields his long sword and shiny armour, while I would be in the changing room, admiring his girlfriend hhahahaha

A second chance

Just revived from a major heli crash and yet I felt weird. I was supposed to die and yet here I am sitting in front of me lappy, updating my blog.

I still remember the crash and everything, as if it was still yesterday.

People often mistaken me for being a hero and strong cos I was able to seemingly get away from my head trauma though in reality I still feel bad and sad.. depressed whenever I recalled how everything went...

My dad kept on repeating how he was grateful cos im still alive.. and hoped that i would carry on with my military career.

I wanna quit actually.. I dont have that "character" as a military personnel though I am physically fit but when it comes to other aspects of military, I am at my weakness!

My own peers even detested me and told me that I am just a nuisance to them..

I really wished I died during the incident.

I dont wanna see my friends.. I never feel comfortable talking to them.. even on the first day..

MAYBE BECAUSE I AM WEIRD !

They say Im funny and I make their day. In fact they are laughing at me.

They say Im a part of the team. In fact they knew Im worthless and they will give me easy job during jungle trip.

I just feel sad to know the fact that I have so many weakness all this time and all of them are exposed in the end..


I have no idea why I am still alive.


I am the one who is supposed to be out of breath and yet YOU gave my soul back and GAVE me chance to live in this cruel world.



You Know better God..


You Know better..

The Run

Just got a few pictures of me editing stuffs like this hoho

Bear with the lameness

finally.. i have returned back to the old me..

Of all these times, i have been struggling to get that old me back in my body frame..

I used to be competitive, active, never give up and always have a goal in life.

And now I have been lazy, give up on trivial numbers of push ups and other work outs and I got no visions in
my head.

But i have finally been able to trigger the old me..

How should I describe the old me?
-Motivated brabesh, love to make mistakes to in order to perfect my skills, i always have objectives in my head and I will do anything to achieve that.

Frankly speaking..

I have been in love with this girl and i have longed admired her for like fucking LONG lol and I always have this thought that I will one day propose her. But when I finished working in sugarbun I then realized that she actually  has a boyfriend.

Kinda shocked with the result, so i started to get close to her and made her laugh, cry and caress her in her diffcult run. I did that with great success.. but then

I realized that she has a boyfriend and I thought this boyfriend is just a simple boyfriend cos she used to main2 her boyfriend before.

So..

I looked up at her profile and there she is with her boyfriend. Every wallpage i read in her timeline, every pieces of photos in her albums that i flipped through in an online manner lol i started to see this "loving vibe" that surround the lovebirds. I can tell whether that person is main2 or not.. just by looking at how close they are. im gifted lol so..

I started to realize that she finally found her perfect one. Seriously her boyfriend ( i am no gay yo but im saying in a manly perspective cos i have to see perfection in other people so that i can the perfection in myself) is amazingly good looking and I can see that caring face and honest looks. And they are by the far the perfect puzzle pieces that match PERFECTLY.


Kinda jealous but suddently..

Judging from the sacrifice made by her boyfriend..

I started to measure my self.


Im a light year away from his boyfriend .


I dont think i can match and on par with his sacrifice.


I only know how to make people laugh.

But only in a short run...



I am afraid im not able to be the real me.. full of spring of youth..


cos of this upcoming ocs..


and alhamdulillah. Im able to become me, the independent me..



I suddently feel like something forced me out from this sticky jelly thing that is called obsession.

Now i have transformed into a bird lol


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this will be the last post i will ever make for this blog. cos im gonna be busy from now on.